Thoughts on Infertility

I grew up in such a way that I did not want children or marriage, after having to help raise my sister and seeing how toxic my parents marriage was these things were the last thing I wanted. I think I had my mind made up that I would make a wonderful crazy cat lady. Friends Gods plan is so different than anything you could ever imagine.

I met my husband online and we met on Memorial Day 2009, we were engaged September 2009, fast right?  We were married on October 10th 2010.  I worked with an older gentleman who met his wife and married her shortly after they had met he said through all of these years marriage is not perfect but it has been wonderful and when you know you are with the right person you just know. He also said from those he knew to have long dating/engagements to those who married quickly it was those who married quickly that have remained married.  I have managed to find someone that is able to tolerate me and all of my crazy antics and my bossy mature this has really caused me to believe opposites do attract.  I was one of the super weird ones that tried conceiving while we were engaged don’t ask me why but we both wanted to have a baby and knew it would be fine, I was 20 so I thought this would happen right away. A year had passed and nothing I was certainly puzzled so before we were even married I had my husband do a sperm analyses.  It never crossed my mind that it could be me – his test came back low, I was bummed to hear this news but it gave me some kind of answer of why nothing had happened and I knew we would just go to the fertility clinic route.

Friends I know in the moment you want what you want right then and there but Gods plan is so perfect – TRUST me in this even if this sentence angers you it will one day make sense.

In March of 2011 we met with our fertility doctor Dr. Khan at Shady Grove Fertility – he is truly amazing.  The next day we were at a Walgreens and there were pregnancy tests on clearance, now if you are like me by this point I was a pee-on-a-stick aholic so I just had to have them but my husband wanted me to let it go and just move forward with the fertility treatment.  Well I bought them anyways 🙂 It turns out I was pregnant!!!! Kaylee was born on Christmas Day 2011.

I have spent the last 8 years of my life under the clenches of infertility. Trust when I say I have spent many times on knees praying/begging to have a baby.

So carrying on my long winded story, after having Kaylee I thought well good that must have been a fluke so I got on birth control for the first time in my life because I got pregnant on my own and I wanted a 2-3 year age gap so better safe than sorry right? <Insert a shaking head emoji> I ended up taking birth control for about a year and then I stopped it made me a little too emotional which is totally not like me. Well the time came to get pregnant again, this time 2 years go by and nothing. I go back to Dr. Khan and we both hope what happened last time happens again – lets just say I did not find out I was pregnant the next day.  So this time I went through all of the bloodwork and the HSG. I also got laparoscopic surgery to finally find out what was going on inside me I had to know for my own peace of mind, this was not required to do our IUI. I also had to loose weight to get into the right BMI range for the IUI.

Infertility is so hard and let me tell you something secondary infertility is even harder.  Sure you have a blessing but now that blessing is asking you everyday for a sibling and there is nothing you can do to just instantly make one. Its an everyday conversation reminding you of what you cannot do while all of their friends have siblings.

Fast forward to now I have three beautiful children and a golden retriever that is my fourth baby. Trust me he is so jealous and thinks when you say baby you are calling him over LOL.  Infertility still haunts me the thoughts still come up I wonder if I can get pregnant on my own again? Whoa Julie calm down you have BABY TWINS!!! LOL See its paralyzing and it doesn’t leave you friends. What I can tell you is I will never take Clomid again and I am 95% sure I would be attempt a natural cycle IUI either due the fact of TWIN. I know they are blessing but until you are in twin trenches you cannot understand how hard it is.  The dreams of snuggling my baby and breastfeeding and all the cute visions I had have shifted to just surviving. So some of the visions I had when I finally got to have another baby are a bit different.

My unfiltered advice to fellow infertiles still trying to have children. Do it. Go get treatment ASAP. Don’t let money get in the way. Easy for me to say right? Borrow against your 401k or use a credit card. YOU CANNOT BUY TIME and thats the most important thing is the infertility game.  Just do it because at the end of the day you can at least say you tried everything you could and call you bankruptcy attorney to file chapter 7 < imagine the the laughing emoji with tears>

The next thing is if/when you do get your blessing all of that waiting will make sense – trust me. Its ok to roll your eyes here but I promise you this it will make sense.