14 Months

What I have learned from Infertility and Secondary Infertility:

Infertility:

My husband and I started trying for our daughter before we were even married, I was 20 and I thought it would happen fast.  It wasn’t until 15 months later I would become pregnant with my daughter.  I am grateful for Gods plans and that it happened when it did, 5 months after my wedding.  But you couldn’t tell me that in the moment, I was a mess.  I found out I was pregnant the day after my consultation at the fertility clinic, which make it seem even more poetic.

Fast forward 4 years:

Secondary Infertility:

I am a mess.  We are a mess. I can’t believe this is happening again. Gods plans.

It has been 14 months since we began TTC #2, we waited and thought the second time would be a-oaky, thinking the first time was probably a fluke since I became pregnant on my own.  Oh how I wish we started sooner.  I find myself full of regret and mourning the idea that I may only have one child.  While it is not the end of the world I certainly feel that I, my husband and our beautiful daughter have much more love to offer another little being.  As I watch family, friends and strangers have multiple children, I feel resentful and jealous, I hate that but the truth is time heals for me.  At 14 months TTC I can honestly say I am not as jealous when I see multiple children families, I now realize it is not the end of the world if I only have one child.  I have kind of embraced the idea knowing how much more emotionally and financially we could give to her.

Our little girl is becoming a big girl, the taking down of the crib and the twin size four poster bed signifies this.  When I place the crib on the curb for trash pickup on Thursday I tell myself that if by the grace of God we became pregnant again I will just buy new.  When I give away the mounds of clothes I’ve been saving I will say the same thing.  The fact is I lost the perfect age gap that I had in my mind, which is incredibly hard but we will get through this.

I had a thought the other day would my marriage have survived infertility had we still been TTC this whole time, my answer was no.  That evening I asked my husband the same question that evening as we lay in bed and he said no, that I would have left him.  He is right I would have been the one to leave, infertility is incredibly hard on a marriage, when you have plans and dreams and aspirations and they do not come together no matter how hard you try it is crippling.  In my mind having a child is a basic thing that most people can attain, so as our can imagine how incredibly frustrating it is.

I have no idea what the future holds or if I am willing to undergo fertility treatment to achieve another child, but more on that later.

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