What I have learned from Infertility and Secondary Infertility:
My husband and I started trying for our daughter before we were even married, I was 20 and I thought it would happen fast. It wasn’t until 15 months later I would become pregnant with my daughter. I am grateful for Gods plans and that it happened when it did, 5 months after my wedding. But you couldn’t tell me that in the moment, I was a mess. I found out I was pregnant the day after my consultation at the fertility clinic, which make it seem even more poetic.
Fast forward 4 years:
I am a mess. We are a mess. I can’t believe this is happening again. Gods plans.
It has been 14 months since we began TTC #2, we waited and thought the second time would be a-oaky, thinking the first time was probably a fluke since I became pregnant on my own. Oh how I wish we started sooner. I find myself full of regret and mourning the idea that I may only have one child. While it is not the end of the world I certainly feel that I, my husband and our beautiful daughter have much more love to offer another little being. As I watch family, friends and strangers have multiple children, I feel resentful and jealous, I hate that but the truth is time heals for me. At 14 months TTC I can honestly say I am not as jealous when I see multiple children families, I now realize it is not the end of the world if I only have one child. I have kind of embraced the idea knowing how much more emotionally and financially we could give to her.
Our little girl is becoming a big girl, the taking down of the crib and the twin size four poster bed signifies this. When I place the crib on the curb for trash pickup on Thursday I tell myself that if by the grace of God we became pregnant again I will just buy new. When I give away the mounds of clothes I’ve been saving I will say the same thing. The fact is I lost the perfect age gap that I had in my mind, which is incredibly hard but we will get through this.
I had a thought the other day would my marriage have survived infertility had we still been TTC this whole time, my answer was no. That evening I asked my husband the same question that evening as we lay in bed and he said no, that I would have left him. He is right I would have been the one to leave, infertility is incredibly hard on a marriage, when you have plans and dreams and aspirations and they do not come together no matter how hard you try it is crippling. In my mind having a child is a basic thing that most people can attain, so as our can imagine how incredibly frustrating it is.
I have no idea what the future holds or if I am willing to undergo fertility treatment to achieve another child, but more on that later.