Thoughts on Infertility

I grew up in such a way that I did not want children or marriage, after having to help raise my sister and seeing how toxic my parents marriage was these things were the last thing I wanted. I think I had my mind made up that I would make a wonderful crazy cat lady. Friends Gods plan is so different than anything you could ever imagine.

I met my husband online and we met on Memorial Day 2009, we were engaged September 2009, fast right?  We were married on October 10th 2010.  I worked with an older gentleman who met his wife and married her shortly after they had met he said through all of these years marriage is not perfect but it has been wonderful and when you know you are with the right person you just know. He also said from those he knew to have long dating/engagements to those who married quickly it was those who married quickly that have remained married.  I have managed to find someone that is able to tolerate me and all of my crazy antics and my bossy mature this has really caused me to believe opposites do attract.  I was one of the super weird ones that tried conceiving while we were engaged don’t ask me why but we both wanted to have a baby and knew it would be fine, I was 20 so I thought this would happen right away. A year had passed and nothing I was certainly puzzled so before we were even married I had my husband do a sperm analyses.  It never crossed my mind that it could be me – his test came back low, I was bummed to hear this news but it gave me some kind of answer of why nothing had happened and I knew we would just go to the fertility clinic route.

Friends I know in the moment you want what you want right then and there but Gods plan is so perfect – TRUST me in this even if this sentence angers you it will one day make sense.

In March of 2011 we met with our fertility doctor Dr. Khan at Shady Grove Fertility – he is truly amazing.  The next day we were at a Walgreens and there were pregnancy tests on clearance, now if you are like me by this point I was a pee-on-a-stick aholic so I just had to have them but my husband wanted me to let it go and just move forward with the fertility treatment.  Well I bought them anyways 🙂 It turns out I was pregnant!!!! Kaylee was born on Christmas Day 2011.

I have spent the last 8 years of my life under the clenches of infertility. Trust when I say I have spent many times on knees praying/begging to have a baby.

So carrying on my long winded story, after having Kaylee I thought well good that must have been a fluke so I got on birth control for the first time in my life because I got pregnant on my own and I wanted a 2-3 year age gap so better safe than sorry right? <Insert a shaking head emoji> I ended up taking birth control for about a year and then I stopped it made me a little too emotional which is totally not like me. Well the time came to get pregnant again, this time 2 years go by and nothing. I go back to Dr. Khan and we both hope what happened last time happens again – lets just say I did not find out I was pregnant the next day.  So this time I went through all of the bloodwork and the HSG. I also got laparoscopic surgery to finally find out what was going on inside me I had to know for my own peace of mind, this was not required to do our IUI. I also had to loose weight to get into the right BMI range for the IUI.

Infertility is so hard and let me tell you something secondary infertility is even harder.  Sure you have a blessing but now that blessing is asking you everyday for a sibling and there is nothing you can do to just instantly make one. Its an everyday conversation reminding you of what you cannot do while all of their friends have siblings.

Fast forward to now I have three beautiful children and a golden retriever that is my fourth baby. Trust me he is so jealous and thinks when you say baby you are calling him over LOL.  Infertility still haunts me the thoughts still come up I wonder if I can get pregnant on my own again? Whoa Julie calm down you have BABY TWINS!!! LOL See its paralyzing and it doesn’t leave you friends. What I can tell you is I will never take Clomid again and I am 95% sure I would be attempt a natural cycle IUI either due the fact of TWIN. I know they are blessing but until you are in twin trenches you cannot understand how hard it is.  The dreams of snuggling my baby and breastfeeding and all the cute visions I had have shifted to just surviving. So some of the visions I had when I finally got to have another baby are a bit different.

My unfiltered advice to fellow infertiles still trying to have children. Do it. Go get treatment ASAP. Don’t let money get in the way. Easy for me to say right? Borrow against your 401k or use a credit card. YOU CANNOT BUY TIME and thats the most important thing is the infertility game.  Just do it because at the end of the day you can at least say you tried everything you could and call you bankruptcy attorney to file chapter 7 < imagine the the laughing emoji with tears>

The next thing is if/when you do get your blessing all of that waiting will make sense – trust me. Its ok to roll your eyes here but I promise you this it will make sense.

 

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Birth of the Twins!

As much as I wanted to keep up with the blog as a part of my pregnancy and something to look back on life got busy and I got super tired from working and being pregnant and a mother and a wife so naturally this fell to the sidelines.  I had the twins at 37w 4d as hard as I tried to have a vaginal birth like I did with Kaylee Matthew had other plans and had a cord prolapse causing me to have an emergency c-section.  The doctor was awesome though after being essentially fisted and feeling everything he was only 70% sure everything was fixed and ok so we waited 20 minutes but its so hard to track both babies on the monitor and his heart rate dropped some so he said it was time.  I didn’t even say anything just asked the anesthesiologist for a ton of meds! I had to be sure I wouldn’t feel anything! It stills seems strange to be awake for this kind of procedure, I was in and out of sleep during the procedure but I heard the boys cry when they were pulled out and after that pretty blurry.  I will say the c-section recovery is horrible and the pain is terrible.  I have never experienced pain like the pain I had when trying to stand for the first time – HORRIBLE.

God has blessed us for sure as both boys were born healthy and needed no NICU time, well Zachary had blood sugar issues so they took him for a few hours. We got to go home on Day 3 which was nice as I know Kaylee missed us and so did Sammy.

Having twins has been a crazy whirlwind we spend most days in survival mode.  The twins are just about 7 months so we have a semi-routine which has helped.  But goodness twins are a whole different beast.

 

 

26 weeks tomorrow!

It’s been awhile and I thought I would update!

I made my first baby purchase 2 car seats and a stroller!  The twins are about 2 pounds each now.  I am still hoping to make it to 38 weeks so they will be nice and big and healthy but goodness carrying two babies at once hurts!!! I now work a reduced work schedule which helps some but I am SOOO tired.

 

 

20w 3D

These past few weeks have been good, I am definitely getting bigger and carrying much higher than I did with my daughter.

Today was our anatomy scan and the twins look great I am very grateful for that.  They are in fact both BOYS! Twin A was 14oz and Twin B is 13oz as of right now they are both head down but I’m sure that will change as they still have a touch of room to move around.

My goal is 38 weeks no matter how uncomfortable I am as long as they are healthy I want them to be ok.  My next scan is for the fetal echo cardiogram which is in 3 weeks, since I am considered high risk with twins and I weighed over a certain weight becoming pregnant I have to have this done.  They basically spend an hour looking at their hearts in depth. After this I’m not sure how frequently I will be going I feel like they said every two weeks but I can’t be sure.

I think I’m going to social media announce the gender tonight but we had a snow today so I’ll have to see if hubby will go out and get two blue balloons!

 

 

16w2d

Well the twins are getting bigger and I’m getting more uncomfortable but all are doing ok.  I had a 16 week scan today and to our surprise we are having boy/boy twins.  Our daughter is going to be bummed she really wanted a sister!

I have more energy and have been working full weeks again for the last few weeks which is nice.  I sleep a ton on the weekends but I’ve been trying to do more housework.

Sammy is now 7 months and 60 pounds he is getting really big.  He must know I’m pregnant he stays by me all the time even to the bathroom!!

12w5d

I got my Harmony results back and genetic testing results back.  Out of 250 genetic things I was tested for I came back positive for one, it’s not one I’ve ever heard of and is very rare.

Type I Polyglandular Autoimmune Syndrome is the name, my husband went and gave blood yesterday to see if he happens to be a carrier as well.

The Harmony test came back low risk so that was great! And drumroll… Twin A at my last ultrasound was clearly a girl but Twin B had something there but we couldn’t be sure since it is so early, well Twin B is a Boy! I had the Y chromosome in my blood so that cleared up that mystery! I’m still shocked my husband made a boy 😉

I had my NT scan at 11w6d and all looked well I also did more genetic testing that required a finger prick and 5 drops of blood.

I get up every two hours at night to pee and I change sides alot so quality sleep hasn’t been happening.  I haven’t been feeling the best but hoping this passes soon.

Sammy is now 6 months!!!!  He is what I would refer to as having triplets, he cries like a child if he doesn’t get his way or scraps. He is over 50 pounds now so he has come a long way since that little 11 week old puppy we brought home.

6m-sammy

10w3d

I haven’t updated in a while and I wanted to throw some mixed ramblings out there.

I am now 10w3d, they are fraternal di/di twins which is the lowest risk twins so that is a huge plus, I am getting the Harmony test done Friday even though I am not in the targeted age range the specialist kept saying at least you didn’t do IVF and I finally asked why and he said some of the medications can cause birth defects so even though I only took clomid and a shot of ovidrel I would like to be sure they are ok.

I want to say I am still adjusting to being pregnant with twins I truly didn’t think this would happen to me while exciting it’s very scary not knowing if one will pass or how early they will come and the risk to my health this is VERY serious.  Anyone who goes in wanting twins should really step back and think it about it’s a HUGE risk to everyone involved.  I’m excited just scared.

No matter what happens I can safely say I will never take Clomid again, multiples are no joke and now that I have seen the other side I can safely say this.  I would do an IUI with monitoring and a trigger shot but that is it.

Infertility is a crazy beast and is hard to deal with I feel very blessed to be pregnant and growing these two lives I just pray they stay in until 38 weeks and are healthy.  My only goal now is for them to grow as long as possible.

I will be tested for gestational diabetes twice since twins hold a higher risk of me getting this and I will get a fetal echo cardio at 22 weeks since I am plus size.  I will also have my cervix checked twice in case a cerclage is needed.

I see my regular OBGYN and a Maternal Fetal Specialist about every 3 weeks as of right now.  This is much different than a singleton.  I also have been interviewing doctors trying to somehow still get an attempt at a vaginal birth as a c-section terrifies me.  I have a 50% chance of a c-section twins.  They both have to be head down.  I had a great vaginal birth with my daughter and felt amazing after birth.  This is terrifying knowing I will most likely need a major surgery and then somehow help take care of these babies after birth.

I will post again when I get the Harmony results back I can’t wait to find out if I have Y Chromosome inside!!